I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
