I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
