she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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