I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
