why didn't you poke me back
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
