walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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