I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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