I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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