i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow