I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
i think my cat just said my name.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
