bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
