I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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