I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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