i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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