When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
