How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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