I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
FUCK WHALES
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
