But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
