"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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