Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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