I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
