i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
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Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
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The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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