I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
