Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
