Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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