There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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