LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
