i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
