You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
