So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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