I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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