Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
