Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
