So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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