I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
