If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
