I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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