one might say we're banned from that church
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
