so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
