no, he came in my armpit
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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