god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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