I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
