Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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