Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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