I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
