She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
