Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
