I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
