dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
