if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
