Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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