no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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