You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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