if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
