Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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