What did we do last night that was yellow?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm just crazy horny about you
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
