i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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