found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
